#104: Lent Reflections - Week Four

Main Lesson: High Tide vs. Low Tide

I spent much of this last week preparing for a weekend away with one of my best girlfriends.

Mini Lesson: I have found that we need all types of friends. We need casual friends/acquaintances who give us smiles or a quick hello in passing. We need hang-out friends who like to do the same things we do and are willing to do them. We need situational friends who are experiencing similar journeys - struggles/successes and are open to share wisdom. We need long distance friends who can manage the stress of a long distance friendship. We need neighbor friends who talk at the bus stop and invite you over for coffee or for a walk. We need church friends who can inspire you with Faith. We need BEST friend(s). I am blessed to have several people in my life that I would consider best friends. I have learned that these people can change as we change and that they might not. Don't discount what every person you encounter does for you. I believe every single person is exactly where they are supposed to be to teach us, help us, inspire us, guide us or even to scare us. It is amazing what each person can bring to us when we are open to receive.

So, I digress...we went to Amelia Island this past weekend - specifically Ferdandina Beach. A few months ago my girlfriend suggested that she come down so that I could get away. This is when you know you have a true friend. She knew that I needed a break. She could tell that I was at a breaking point. Isn't it funny how the timing of this trip worked out - or perhaps not funny at all but God-inspired. When we planned this trip, I didn't put it together that it would be in the middle of Lent or that I would be making this reflective journey. I didn't know that I would have a health scare and have to truly take time to consider my life and my most basic goals. I didn't know that I would be feeling a bit out of control and tired beyond belief - and somehow it was the PERFECT time for this trip to happen.

We arrived and got settled into our beachfront condo. I immediately felt a sense of gratitude. For friendship and for my husband who never gave the trip away a second thought. He is so generous, especially to me. Sometimes I forget or take for granted all that he does and it was a reminder I needed. We decided to go into the town to walk around and to grab dinner and as we were going in and out of shops, one of the shop workers was sharing shark teeth hunting secrets. Talking about searching for shells during LOW tide. Well, that got me thinking...and thinking and thinking...LOL

One of the definitions of High Tide is a culminating point. This is where I am. So much has happened over the last several months as I've been seeking for personal growth/inspiration and God's plan for me. It is truly amazing. But at the same time, I can't fear the coming Low Tide. One of the definitions of Low Tide is the lowest point of decline of anything. I've accepted that our lives have High and Low Tides...it is how we manage them and the people we choose to have in our lives can either help us or prolong us from reaching our goals. In this season of High Tide, I am carefully watching everything come together - learning how to swim WITH the current - toward my goals instead of avoiding them or running away with fear. As the tides change, I will try to cling onto my friends (of all types) to help me keep the course...with their help and my choice to react positively - my Low Tide won't be so low next time...

#103: Lent Reflections - Week Three

Lesson: Examine your darkness - find your light.

During Lent we are charged to examine ourselves. Often this means looking at our darkest moments. Moments where we weren't the people we want to be. Moments when we took the less desirable path. Moments when we let our wants sabotage our needs.

There are many types of examination. This week I had a forced examination - my annual physical. This appointment made me face some of my biggest fears...not being here to be your mom. Recently, I had a health scare and as usual I justified causes and self diagnosed to get me through the days...however, I knew I had to share it with my doctor and so I did. It takes a tremendous about of courage to face your demons - for me my ongoing body image issues are one of my biggest demons. I have struggled my whole life with acceptance of myself and loving myself for me. For believing that I deserve to be healthy and to make myself a priority...so to sit in a doctor office and share my health darkness one step at a time - completely terrifying...but I did it! Long story short, the doctor explained that my self-diagnosis was off (in her words, "Nice try Dr. Ross") and she believes I had a mini stroke a few weeks back. Just like that I felt the lights go out. Yep, complete darkness. So many questions. So much regret and feelings of complete shock. Shame. Disgust. Nausea. Fear.

But as I sat there and waited for the nurse to bring in my blood panel and MRI order, I prayed...and guess what I found...my light. My faith. My God was right there with me. He provided me with a warning (and this time I got the message loud and clear) that my life MUST change. I must be better at being Me so that I can be better for You and for Him.

And so it is...when we examine our darkest parts, we can find the light. Sometimes it feels like I'm in a cave. Perhaps you can relate - I remember going to Mammoth Cave on a tour and at one point the guide turns out the lights and it is complete darkness for just a few seconds. So dark that you can't see your hands inches away from your face. It is actually terrifying...but just when you start feeling out of control your eyes are drawn to a flicker of light. It is instantaneous. Everyone is looking at the same light. simple match. In the immensity of a cave - one tiny spark has the power to capture the attention of all...remember this when you feel completely dark or when you take a minute to review all of the darkness in your life. In every instance - there is a light. We choose to look at it, follow it, become a part of it, provide it for others, etc...or not. I'm challenging myself to continue looking for the light as we look for answers...and I'm thankful the He will provide. Prayers are welcomed and much appreciated as I recently got my blood results back and all is normal - MRI scheduled for Friday...

#102: Lent Reflections - Week Two

Lesson: During the process of self discovery - nothing is normal. This week was as ordinary as any week. No big plans...just the weekly routine. But, this week I had many more questions than answers. It seems as though when we give ourselves time to experience normal - we can be truly confronted with what normal actually is.

I've had many normal weeks. You can imagine our schedule - daily school, bus stops, grocery trips, meals planned and cooked, budget conversations, laundry, cleaning and the list goes on and on. But this week, I was full of questions. Questions about my purpose mostly. Who am I? Who do I want to be? How will I get there? I've been so anxious all week - not in a bad way, but anxious for answers. I've had to calm myself down. I've had to breathe deeper. I've had to slow down. I've had to realize that this normal week created abnormal opportunities for growth.

Friday was a great example. Actually, it started on Thursday late afternoon. I looked outside and noticed that our pool pump was not working. For all of our non-pool-owning-readers, this gave me that sinking $$$ feeling in my gut...I immediately made the call to get a technician out and they could either come Friday morning at 8am or next week...so I took the Friday morning without too much hesitation.

I remember I was getting clothes out of the dryer on Friday morning when Dave came in to tell me goodbye and I broke down. How am I going to get everything done by myself this morning. Bus with Edwin (assuming I can get him awake, fed and dressed in time) at 7:40am, pool service 8:00am, Lyla to school at 8:45am. Writing it down makes it seem more feasible than it did in my head that morning. I was consumed with anxiety and fear that I was going to let someone down. Either I wouldn't get Edwin to the bus or I wouldn't be able to get Lyla to school on time - and I forgot to mention that she was line leader on Friday and I promised we'd make her class fresh chocolate chip muffins for the snack - so baking had to fit in the schedule too. Or perhaps I wouldn't be there when the technician arrived and he would leave without fixing the pump.

Or...or...or...or...do you see the pattern?  So normal to go down this path of what ifs. So normal to feel like a failure before you even attempt to be a success. So normal to know that you can't do everything. So normal to try to be everything to everyone and realize that you're one person. But, just when things seemed so normal and I started down this normal path - I stopped and realized I'm not alone. What ifs don't get us to why nots. I may only be one physical body - but I have a team of support in every situation...from God in my heart to a husband that believes I can move mountains to kids that think I'm superhuman 99% of the time. I was able to back up and choose a different path at that moment. I slowed myself down. I prayed for assistance and acceptance...and guess what - everything got done. Edwin made the bus. Our pump motor ended up having to be replaced, but was mostly covered by our warranty. Lyla's muffins made the whole house smell delicious. Lyla made it to school and was overly excited to be line leader for the day. Point? Nothing is or has to be normal. Turn it around. Choose to make it something new. Why not?

Another beautiful thing happened on Friday. Since our morning had been so rushed and Fridays are generally my day to hang out with Louie, I decided that we would go to Starbucks and get a treat to celebrate getting everything done. Louie was excited - he is addicted to cake pops and knew that I'd cave to his lashes and get him one as a post breakfast snack. However, as we drove toward Starbucks, he asked if he could get his friend Harrison a balloon. As background, Harrison is one of Louie's favorite friends and he had been sick all week - missing school. We drive past Harrison's neighborhood on the way to Starbucks and as we did, Louie made his request. I asked if he'd rather do that than go to get our treat and without hesitation he said YES. I had to ask several times because I couldn't believe it. What 2-year-old do you know that would 1) make this request and 2) turn down a cake pop to make someone feel better? As you can imagine, I wept - quietly from the front seat, so that he wouldn't think I was sad. What a lesson and I thank God for using my little man to teach me. See, nothing is normal. As we left the balloon and cookies on the porch for Harrison and his family, I was so inspired. Everything is normal about putting other people first - especially in my life as a mom, wife, daughter, friend...but nothing is normal when God uses the typical to put your heart back together and show you how extraordinary you really are.

#101: Lent Reflections - Week One

The purpose of Lent is to pray, do penance, give sacrifice and do good works in preparation for the celebration of Easter. I will be using the next 40 days to find clarity in my Purpose...I am ready and willing to see the many miracles that surround my daily life...planning to share my reflections as a weekly "lesson" and hope that one day Lent will be a powerful season for each of you!

Week One - Thoughts captured during this week:

• Everything is a choice. Sure, there is plenty we should choose to do. But, likewise, there is plenty we should choose to stop doing. I spent the week thinking about things I need to either choose to do or choose to stop. It is amazing how simple life can be and how little we need to be truly happy. Think about it - simplify and make choices that will help - not hurt. One thing to note is that we all choose the wrong things sometimes - learn, grow and make new choices the next time...choices from yesterday do not have to be choices for today. You have the power to choose.
• Positive thinking is not only powerful, but also contagious. Sometimes it is hard for me to stay positive. There is so much going on that I often feel like I'm barely able to keep my head above water...but on the days where I'm sinking I find it most important to be positive. I try really hard to find my happy place - usually it involves thinking about each of you. I am so blessed with three beautiful, healthy children I need not look too far for my smiles on even my worst of days. It is hard - I will never tell you that this is an easy one...but stay positive and surround yourself with people who create positivity in your life. Negative energy can be sickening - literally. 
• Be quiet. Find time to be alone and pray. Talk to God and invite Him to help lead you to your purpose. When we quiet our hearts it is amazing how loud He can talk to us. Doors open (and shut), opportunities present themselves and you may feel an irresistible urge to jump. Do it! Have faith. This one is actually really hard for me as I have trouble quieting my mind. I am really focusing on this one during this season and am already amazed at how He is leading me.

There were so many wonderful things that happened during this week.
1. We attended Ash Wednesday services. Ash Wednesday commences this period of spiritual discipline. As I spent the day fasting and preparing for Ash Wednesday services, I felt at peace. I allowed myself time to reflect the purpose of Lent and asked God to be with me throughout my journey. I spent much of the day in prayer and contemplation. Looking at this as a Season of Renewal filled my heart with abundant hope.
2. I met your newest cousin - Weston and am so thankful for his health. He is perfection. He reminded me of how simple things can be. All we need is unconditional love and I believe God provides that for us. I hope that I can show you how powerful that is and that you too will continue trusting God throughout your life.

3. I examined my conscience and went to Confession. 

4. I attended a Lent program at church.

5. I continue to make progress and am fighting my personal demons - it is a daily struggle, but I feel equipped to succeed. I am willing to love myself throughout this process. I am willing to release my need for negative attention and self criticism and instead focus on seeing the many miracles in my daily life. 

BIG LESSONS for this week: Love yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Grow. Learn. Inspire others. Share your story. Invite God to be a part of your life. Be quiet. Think positive. Choose wisely. Love others. Be patient.