During Lent we are charged to examine ourselves. Often this means looking at our darkest moments. Moments where we weren't the people we want to be. Moments when we took the less desirable path. Moments when we let our wants sabotage our needs.
There are many types of examination. This week I had a forced examination - my annual physical. This appointment made me face some of my biggest fears...not being here to be your mom. Recently, I had a health scare and as usual I justified causes and self diagnosed to get me through the days...however, I knew I had to share it with my doctor and so I did. It takes a tremendous about of courage to face your demons - for me my ongoing body image issues are one of my biggest demons. I have struggled my whole life with acceptance of myself and loving myself for me. For believing that I deserve to be healthy and to make myself a priority...so to sit in a doctor office and share my health darkness one step at a time - completely terrifying...but I did it! Long story short, the doctor explained that my self-diagnosis was off (in her words, "Nice try Dr. Ross") and she believes I had a mini stroke a few weeks back. Just like that I felt the lights go out. Yep, complete darkness. So many questions. So much regret and feelings of complete shock. Shame. Disgust. Nausea. Fear.
But as I sat there and waited for the nurse to bring in my blood panel and MRI order, I prayed...and guess what I found...my light. My faith. My God was right there with me. He provided me with a warning (and this time I got the message loud and clear) that my life MUST change. I must be better at being Me so that I can be better for You and for Him.
And so it is...when we examine our darkest parts, we can find the light. Sometimes it feels like I'm in a cave. Perhaps you can relate - I remember going to Mammoth Cave on a tour and at one point the guide turns out the lights and it is complete darkness for just a few seconds. So dark that you can't see your hands inches away from your face. It is actually terrifying...but just when you start feeling out of control your eyes are drawn to a flicker of light. It is instantaneous. Everyone is looking at the same light. simple match. In the immensity of a cave - one tiny spark has the power to capture the attention of all...remember this when you feel completely dark or when you take a minute to review all of the darkness in your life. In every instance - there is a light. We choose to look at it, follow it, become a part of it, provide it for others, etc...or not. I'm challenging myself to continue looking for the light as we look for answers...and I'm thankful the He will provide. Prayers are welcomed and much appreciated as I recently got my blood results back and all is normal - MRI scheduled for Friday...
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